Mistaken Goals – The Belief Behind the Behavior

Mistaken Goals chart (Belief Behind the Behavior) [PDF file]
Mistaken Goals – chart of parenting interventions [PDF file]

All human beings want to belong. What we call misbehavior is typically the child’s misguided solution to problems they perceive related to belonging and connecting. Behind the behavior is often a mistaken belief about how to achieve belonging and significance. But this belief is hard to identify, and usually the child isn’t even consciously aware of it.

Enter the mistaken goals chart. This chart can be used as a Rosetta stone to decode the belief behind the behavior, and the key can be found in the feelings that the behavior generates in the adult. The connection may not be obvious, but with some experience using the chart, it begins to make more and more sense.

Start with your feelings in column 2. Are you feeling annoyed? Challenged? Hurt? Helpless?

Follow the appropriate row back to column 1, to confirm that the child’s behavior is aligned with the feeling you’ve identified. If it doesn’t match, reflect a little more on your feelings, as sometimes there are layers, and layers.

Once you feel confident that you’ve identified the right row, if you want to skip ahead to the payoff, look at column 7 for effective responses to the behavior. The other columns either help to confirm that you’ve identified the relevant belief, or offer preventive measures to avoid the behavior in the future.

Rudolf Dreikurs, who initially identified the four primary mistaken goals (Undue Attention, Misguided Power, Revenge, and Inadequacy) was famously asked, “Why do you keep putting children in these boxes?” His reply – “I don’t keep putting them there. I keep finding them there.”

Attached to the top of this post are PDF files of the Mistaken Goals chart and a list of parenting interventions to help address the beliefs behind the behavior – the cause of the behavior, rather than the behavior itself. Try them on for size! With practice, you may find them to be valuable tools.

More on Mistaken Goals and the Belief Behind the Behavior to come… let us know if it’s worked for you, or if you need any additional help navigating the charts, in the comments.

(Note that the attached chart was adapted by Jody McVittie from a similar schema created by Steven Maybell and Jane Nelson, and was based on the psychology of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs.)

Update May 2024:

I’ve posted an update to the Mistaken Goals chart here – please click over to continue exploring!